@alexocado@tech.lgbtUsually it's some form of worthiness wound that pushes us to self-defense. Something we learned in our pasts that still lingers and makes us think "I am unworthy/unlovable/broken". We don't *want* to believe it but what if they're right?
When we are hit by words that feed into that belief, that insecurity, then we must push that possibility away. We are not like that! We cannot be!
1/6
@alexocadoStep 1. is to recognize that belief. You don't have to buy into it, just find it and acknowledge it's there. Be curious about it. Figure out how it makes you feel. Remember that feeling (yes, it's painful). The source trauma (it's always trauma) isn't even that important. It's enough to figure out which painful belief/fear it is and how it feels.
2/6
@alexocadoStep 2. is to practice recognizing in which moments that belief/fear feels the most real. This is super hard (but possible!) because in those moments you'll feel very strong emotions. But you can learn to recognize it by remembering the *feeling* your belief/fear causes you. When you feel *that* you're stuck in that trauma (probably).
3/6
@alexocadoStep 3. is after you learned to consistently identify these moments. Now when that moment rolls around you notice it, and by noticing it you can knock yourself out of it. Your mind will learn to go "wait a second ... this is not how I wanna act, what's going on?" and that break, that pause, that's what makes you stop yourself before you *do the thing you don't wanna do*.
And then you'll have a moment to gather your thoughts. That allows you alternatives. And after a short moment you'll be able to choose an alternative. One that feels better. It will never be perfect but it will be better. And that's all that matters. You're doing better than before. Good fucking job!
4/6
@alexocadoFrom here on it gets easier. You'll be able to apologize more easily. You'll be able to listen better. You'll be able to choose more kindness. And that compounds into a life that's slightly better than before. Because you'll feel better about *your actions*.
The people around you will take a while to notice that you are reacting differently (some will be quite slow, such as the people my below linked toot is about). But by then you'll understand that they're haunted by their own trauma. And that helps. A lot. It's not you who is unworthy/unlovable/broken. It's also not them. It's not. It's all just fucking trauma. And none of that is your fault, or their fault, it's nobodies fault. Shit happens. Life can be cruel. Life often is cruel. But you can tell life to go fuck itself and choose to do better anyway! #YOLO
https://tech.lgbt/@alexocado/114014594484963779
5/6
@alexocadoAnd suddenly you changed. You're not being as defensive anymore. Life is still an asshole at times but it no longer feels like your fault (usually). Sometimes you'll fuck up but you'll be able to apologize and be more open to other perspectives. And that's the trick. It's not easy, but it is simple, and at that point it's purely a matter of practice. Practice, practice, practice. You'll fuck up but you will get better. If you keep practicing. That's literally how practice works. Keep doing it and you will get better.
Rinse and repeat.
6/6
@alexocadoTL;DR: if you wanna be a better person practice to wait a second every time you feel angry/scared/"other strong emotion" before you act. Just one second! Then think "what do I wanna do now?" and you will be able to think of better options. Better than the option you would have chosen if you didn't wait that second.
BOOM! Congrats, you're a better person than a second ago.
7/6
@alexocadoI feel this thread will fly over the head of most people. I did my best to explain it but it's basically a layman's definition of "critical thinking".
Regular language is so lossy compared to math in the broadest sense. I wish English was as logical as math. That'd be dope.
@alexocadoHuh, math is kinda "critical thinking" turned to 11.
Thanks for this series of posts!
I learned many years ago that if I have a particular feeling, especially if it's an uncomfortable one, if I wait, focus on something like my breathing, the neurotransmitters that spiked when I had that feeling (or spiked the feeling!), will start to clear in about a minute and a half if I don't continue to feed the cycle of their release with more thoughts about the feeling or beginning to react to the feeling and reinforcing it.
The idea was from "My Stroke of Insight" by Jill Bolte Taylor, and it has stuck with me to this day.
I think it also helps that I meditate daily? I'm a hell of a lot less reactive and a lot more curious (unless I'm in overwhelm or shut down).