Emmy the Bambi lesbian @emmy@tech.lgbt

Ok, so I've identified 2 key streams of consciousness so far:

- A logical protector system whose sole purpose and motivation is to make sure nobody gets hurt, inside or outside. (This is the one that seems to be fronting most of the time.)
- A time-snapshot of my 14yo transfem self right before the protector decided it wasn't safe for her to exist.

Disconcertingly, there are no functional adults here.

OK, so I think I'm a component in a plural system...

This shouldn't really be a surprise given recent developments, but still.

How do I be sure tho?

"Perpendicular" is the only ethical definition of "normal", and I will never understand people who feel otherwise.

One thing is for certain, this calm grounded feeling is AWESOME! I could live a whole life like this and not have any regrets. Totally makes the struggles of the past week or two worth it.

OFC that's not the "fun" option, and it's not what I'd choose (I'd rather actually do something with my life), but I'd be entirely OK with it.

Apparently "high-functioning" (read: easily ignored) BPD is a thing.

Yup, sounds about right.

New possible grounding technique: listening to music and trying to suck detail out of it.

Ok, I shouldn't say resolving. It's getting a bit better, but it's still a massive problem.

TFW you realize that your DPDR is resolving at the expense of you developing a panic disorder...

When will I stop replacing my problems and start solving them?

Ok, so I've been trying to understand BPD and ...

HOW MANY DIFFERENT STEREOTYPES ARE THERE? It's like the autism/ADHD stereotypes all over again!

I think I just realized why I like riding in vehicles so much:

the acceleration and vibration are incredibly grounding.

Ok, I think I'm finally getting a handle on this dissociation problem, through a combination of grounding techniques, and making sure my basic needs stay met.

In theory, this isn't an exhaustive list. In practice, this describes me pretty well most of the time.

The 3 emotions of the Terran Emmy:

- Dissociated
- Sad
- Utterly terrified

Ok, so I've identified that my mind has two stable states:

- dissociated halfway to Andromeda
- bursting at the seams with emotion

Actually I'm just gonna play it. Conveniently there's this VPS called Shadow that specializes in Windows remote gaming. Which is good, because it means I can pay someone else to deal with Microsoft's incompetence.

Ok, so for my music class, my final project is to make a sound story. I've decided to do some kind of starship-bound disaster.

Which means it's time to watch an ep of an Elite: Dangerous lets play, then replay the intro to Metroid Prime 1.

IDEA: toots with Markdown syntax instead of plaintext.

Update: grounded calm at last. I'm gonna grab a quick bite, then get some goddamn sleep.

(I think my biggest problem is I'm scared. I'm scared that my sense of self might fall apart again, and I'm scared that I might go through major parts of my life completely detached from myself)

Quick question, how do people calm themselves down without dissociating?