Sometimes a simple word describes something so easily that it is impossible to muddy it with additional words. Our reality is nothing but what we ascribe to it. We create it with our words. We manifest it with our thoughts. Nothing is real until we describe it.
Crescendo.
That is how I feel. It echos. My actions, my thoughts, my words.
Reverberate.
Back and forth, unwinding and rewinding and playing back again.
Looping.
I’m looping again. I can feel it. It is the same thoughts, and they are getting faster and faster. Spinning around in my head, leaving me dizzy and breathless. Getting louder and louder.
Crescendo.
No, I’ve done that one already. Where was I? Why am I even shouting right now?
I walk out the door. The cold night air bites into my skin. I didn’t grab a jacket or my keys. I’m past the gate and walking down the street now. Heading towards the lights, where the supermarket is just a few blocks down.
Sometimes, after the yelling, I don’t even know who I am. My self is pliable. Like my mind. When I need strength I am a woman. When I don’t know my emotions I am a baby. And when I choose to not feel, I am a man. Right now I am a man.
I scratch my beard and tense my muscles. I walk fast to get my body hot. It is too cold outside. But I can’t go back. Not yet. Not while the replay is on loop. I have to calm down. Work out why I feel the way I do.
I need to be a woman.
It’s too cold. I stomp my feet on the ground so the shockwaves will warm me up. It is dark right now. No one has their lights on. They are all asleep. No street lights are on either. I am consumed by the darkness.
I’m scared.
I stop stomping and skip a step to pick up my pace. I need to get out of the darkness. The stores are just up ahead. I just need to get to the corner store, get a drink and a snack, and stay inside where it is warm until I can think my thoughts through.
Inside, I’m suddenly indecisive. Do I want chocolate or a hot dog? They have their hot dogs out. They look a bit dry. I could ask for a fresh one. I think about it. I picture it in my head. I stop, and just grab a chocolate bar and grab a coffee energy drink. It goes better with the chocolate than the fruity ones.
Maybe I should get some real coffee? Something hot to drink on the way back. I reach to check how much money I have. I don’t have my wallet with me. I sigh and go to put the drink back when I hear a voice.
“Miss? Did you forget your wallet?”
I look up to see a tall man, taller than me at least, with a baseball cap on. He is wearing a white shirt, blue jeans, and a leather jacket. He is smiling at me, and I feel warm inside. I nod.
“Don’t worry about it, I’ll buy those for you.”
He takes the items from me. He pays and tells me to stay safe out there. I thank him. I say goodbye to the clerk, and start walking home. I eat the chocolate and drink the energy drink.
Soon I am at the gate. It needs a key. I reach through and put the drink on the other side. I am light and agile. I jump up push myself up above the gate. I get one leg over it. Its so high. I have to be careful or I’ll fall. The second leg is much harder to get over. I slide down and the top of the gate rubs against my ribs. It burns and radiates into my bones. I pick up my drink and go to my door.
How long has it even been? I don’t have my watch with me either. I’m outside the door, and I don’t even remember why I left. But I feel better again. I put on my mask and I walk back inside.
https://sites.google.com/view/pangoria-fallstar/writing/original-fiction
This story and other fiction I have written can be found here.