Steve Weierman @rantingsteve@tech.lgbt

If you're reading this, I hope you have a good day today, whoever you are.

I'm optimistic about the therapist I've started seeing today. Yay!

How bad has today been? I just compulsively tried to check Facebook, even though I've been off Facebook for two months now.

My birthday is in 2 weeks. I'm going to be 40 this year. Not where I expected to be at this point in my life.

I hope you all are having a better day than I am right now. Today has been hell and I've only been awake for 2 hours.

I want a romantic partner who is a man (or masc nb), but most men are still emotionally boys, including myself sometimes tbh. I want someone who's willing to make the effort to understand me, even when I'm having a bad day and having a hard time vocalizing what's going on in my head and heart. It's easier for me to connect with women, because we tend to understand each other better, but I'm not a woman, nor am I attracted romantically to women.

I keep catching myself thinking I need a boyfriend, and I stop, because it's not fair to bring someone new into this instability of my life right now, and probably not a good idea. And what I really need and want is a partner, some support, from a man or masc person. I need validation in the form of "I believe in what you're doing, let me help out." I miss romance, sex, and companionship, but I need someone willing to throw themselves into this crazy adventure and help even when it's not fun.

That performance = ability = self-worth equation is what gets me every time. Low self-esteem and fear of failure that has in the past turned into a self-fulfilling prophecy, because failure to finish is failure. At some point I need to remind myself that my self-worth is not my performance, that I have intrinsic worth as a human being. I just wish I had more external validation, because my internal critic is a relentless arsehole.